Transparency

One of my biggest desires in life is to be real. I want those of you who read this blog to see the real me -- the vulnerable me. Though I do desire to walk in the hope and faith of Christ, especially in regards to this adoption, I want to be real enough so you know that is not always easy to do. I want to be transparent so you can see the me who continually attempts to control this situation. The one who can't seem to give it over completely. The one who questions her faith on days like yesterday. Why would I want to show that side of me to you? Because I also want you to see how faithful God is to not turn His ear away from me because I wavered in my belief that God is big enough to work through the details of this adoption. Let me take you back:

Several weeks ago, I posted that I had been hired for a part time job that was going to cover the remainder of our adoption costs. I was on cloud 9. For about a week. Then we heard from our adoption agency that the fee was raised by $1500 for a 3-6 year old. In addition to that, for a variety of reasons, we've decided that we really NEED to travel to pick up our son versus utilizing the escort option to bring him to us (plus, we found out that escorting isn't necessarily less expensive anyway), so both of those things added on money to our total costs also. So, all of a sudden, this part-time job that was going to cover the rest of our adoption fees was down to covering about 60% of what we needed. That's still a good amount though, so I wasn't worried.

In the last week, we've had the following developments:

• The realtor that I do some part time work for also isn't going to have enough work to pay me in December and January, so there goes another $1000 out of our adoption money. There's also no guarantee that it will pick back up in February and my School contract only goes through April, which means, without the realtor work, even if the School job goes permanent in August, I will have no income from April to September
  
• Our mortgage is going up $50 a month, which doesn't sound like a lot, but our budget is pretty tight to begin with and $50 DOES make a difference.
• My husband's company is being bought by a bigger company (which, ultimately, will be a good thing) but his take home pay is going down in January b/c we are changing health insurance and while the benefits will be a GREAT increase for us, we will net a $350 DECREASE in his take home pay. THAT is significant.

So, all of a sudden, this job that was supposed to cover the majority of our adoption fees is now helping us simply pay the bills. Don't get me wrong -- given all these circumstances, I'm very grateful to have it. But we just went from completely paid for back to $0 in the adoption fund, needing more than $12,000 to complete this adoption. We need $2000 simply to turn in our dossier.

On top of that, here's another hurdle that adds to the adoption dilemma also: We have a 3 Bedroom, 1500 sqft house with our current 4 kids. My two older girls share a 10x11 room. We had bunkbeds in there, but the top rail broke (not good on bunkbeds!!), plus the girls HATED the bunkbeds (and I don't blame them) so the girls are in twin beds now. They love having their "own" beds (it's pretty much the only thing in the whole house they don't HAVE to share anymore and I think that really makes a difference to them). They have a set of bookshelves and a dresser and you can barely turn around in their room, it is so small and crowded. My littlest girl and my son also share a 10x11 room. Littlest DD is currently in a toddler bed, but she is really big for her age and she is going to outgrow it very soon (she really should have already switched to a regular bed b/c her feet hit the end of the toddler bed), which means that will be a very crowded room as well. While Isaiah will share a room with our bio DS, without the bunk beds in the girls' room, I really don't know where we are going to put a third bed in there for our littlest DD.

Believe it or not, this house is bigger than our old one, but because we've been here such a short time (we've been here about 18 months), we don't have a lot of equity. Even though we have been approved to adopt in this home, we were hoping to either be able to move to a bigger house in the Spring or add on to our current home to get at least one more bedroom. Well, the real estate market is tanking and while that makes it great to buy, it looks like we will not be able to sell this house in the Spring (unless there is a MAJOR turnaround in the next three months, which is highly unlikely given that we're going into the winter). As a result, we have been thinking seriously about simply adding on to this one. Well, I found out yesterday that the loan we could have taken out six months ago that allows you to take out a remodeling loan against the FUTURE value of your home (the value that your home would be AFTER adding on to it) is no longer available, so we don't even have the option of adding on to our house now.

Yesterday, my thoughts were: I can't handle these mountains. It is too much for me to face. What, LORD, WHAT?! Are we being told no? Or wait a few years? We've already spent everything from our savings on this adoption. How can we stop now? But, given these HUGE hurdles ... how can we move forward????? Four weeks ago it seemed like everything was falling into place just perfectly. Amazingly. Divinely. Yesterday... it felt like every. single. door was slamming in our faces. Four weeks ago, all my ducks were in a row. Today ... I don't even have any ducks.

Yes, I was doubting my faith that God could handle it. I was questioning that I had even heard God's voice in the first place.

So, how did God handle me? Gently, and with so much compassion, He spoke to me through my husband, through my friends, and through His word.

My dear, sweet husband came home from work, listened to my ranting and freaking and gently reminded me what I said to him just a few weeks ago: "'Do not worry about tomorrow, today has enough worry of its own.' (Matthew 6:34) NONE of this is happening today -- we do not need to worry about this now." Gulp. Nothing like having your own words given back to you. He went on: "This new job is a huge provision for us ... it's just not the provision perhaps we thought it was. That doesn't mean God isn't going to provide for this adoption though. There is no need to give up -- we're not there yet." Hmmm ... right again.

Then, today, a very good friend said to me: "Julie, God seems to specialize in putting us in situations that feel impossible so He can reveal His glory." So, so true.

Finally, I have been reminded of these words all day: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Yesterday was the low point so far in this journey. Discouragement is a very powerful thing. But, today, I am realizing once again that God is using this adoption to draw me nearer to Him and teach me about His character -- about His faithfulness. He is shaping me. Above all right now, He is teaching me that *I AM NOT IN CONTROL*. He is.

Another friend gave me this scripture and oh how it speaks to me: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." (Proverbs 16:9) The reason I was panicking was because I knew *I* could not handle all of these obstacles and I was taking ownership of them instead of giving them over to the LORD. And yes, these hurdles really ARE too much for me alone. BUT ... I am not alone and they are NOT too big for God. As long as I continue giving them over to Him, HE will carry me.